There is a moment when you hear of a death that is like no other. For me, my blood feels icy through my body, my breathing slows to almost a stop, I feel heavy and foreign in my own skin, and my mind always says, “What?!” That was no different Thanksgiving morning when I learned my friend, the one who had made the best jokes out of life, who had been there for all of us, had taken his life. How could that be? And yet, somehow I knew. The battle had simply become to hard to face.
I understand. I know what that feels like. It’s not about depression, rather despair. I wish I could have shared this with him.
When you chose to come to come to this world, this body you’re in, you chose to experience the the shadows as a challenge to return to your Truth and Light. In a way, it is a game for a Divine being; what is the worst I can experience and still return to unconditional love? The problem is, we forget these contracts once we are born, though they do not forget us, nor does our soul forget.
The moment your contracts begin, you contract into the shadows. You experience a situation where you chose to play small to feel safe, love, accepted. Your playing small served you for a moment, but the moment is gone. Unfortunately, the moment served as a foundation for an illusion. All the beliefs that you are unworthy, unlovable, incapable of Grace are a part of that illusion. Your soul whispers the Truth while the part of you that created the illusion fights to quiet it, maybe even creating more into the illusion as an attempt to validate its reality.
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Being suicidal is the disconnection between being your Divine, infinite, authentic self and the false identity you have created.</strong> If you are feeling suicidal, know that YOU do not need to die! The false identity, the lies, the sense of unworthiness, and lovelessness do need to die.
I was lying on my back next to one of my closest friends, staring up at the stars in Mexico, listening to the waves crash on the shore. All I could think of was, “Why am I still here?” I was not depressed. In fact, I felt at peace. I simply did not see a purpose to my life. I walked into the waves a few days later with no intent of coming out. I was completely disconnected from my authentic self. I was evolving, but at a pace I could not recognize because it was so slow.
The Creator does not recognize you as anything less than you; It created you, gave you your value, and you cannot diminish that vale (nor can anyone else). The Truth of who you are is seen in those moments of sheer delight. I know I have witnessed them in nature, with animals and babies, riding an ocean wave, a warm embrace, the smile of a loved one, the clarity of a client, the laughter of a child, the softening of hardened edges during a difficult conversation. When you see the joy reflecting back to you in another, you are seeing the image of You. This is your Truth. It’s real.
Recognizing and accepting this Truth is not arrogant, though many who are deep into the illusion will call it that, maybe going even further and calling it blasphemy or heretical. However, when you believe your illusion, that you are unworthy, unlovable, when you play small, that is arrogant. You’re believing your creation over the Truth.
Do you need help remembering? Ask. Ask the Great Spirit what is real, true. Ask me. I am great at reminding. You will be shown. The part of you who created the illusion will try to make you afraid, dispel it, and attack the notion. When you feel this coming, know that there is no will but the Divine’s (and thus, your True will). Therefore, you can’t truly be in conflict. It doesn’t exist. No matter how real it feels, it is meaningless. Peace and Joy are and always has been yours, you’ve merely chosen to look the other way, perhaps even tried to bury it, run from it, destroy it. That was a choice and you have another opportunity to choose now what you believe.
While my actions at the ocean were suicidal, my emotions were in a state of despair. I was pulled out of those waves. A few days later, I met my authentic self. It took killing the false identity to create enough space to let the real me be present. I do not, under any circumstances, recommend trying this in a similar manner. I was lucky that day that someone was there and had the skills necessary to help me. “Killing” the false self often requires some external wisdom to transition from who you’ve been to your authentic self. Do not be afraid to ask for help. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. You are not alone. You are loved. You are lovable and worthy. This is your Truth.
If you know someone struggling, please share this with them.