The shadows of worthiness

I have been doing a discovery assignment from my mentor this week- draw an angel card daily and meditate on the shadow aspect of that card and how I play in those shadows in my life. Today’s card: Archangel Churiel- You are worthy. “You are worthy of all you desire.”

Well, the obvious is unworthiness, right? So why would anyone play there? I’d say this is probably the ultimate in limitation because we shrink into the finite, hiding behind excuses, creating limiting thoughts and beliefs, comparing ourselves to others, and dismissing our desires. It’s safe. If we don’t go for it, we can’t be disappointed.

Desires are another aspect. I was talking to a friend about this yesterday and she shared she’d been thinking about this, too. My friend is a free spirit that limits herself to the very serious girl when it comes to business. Yet, I hear (dare I say, recognize) her hearts longing to show up as that free spirit daily. At what point do we shut that down (for some, often including myself, only to come out with the help of alcohol and/or drugs) in order to be “good” or “respectable”?

Control happens when shame and guilt are institutionalized. I grew up dancing. I loved (and that’s understating it a bit) to dance. Yet, I would go with friends to church and hear it’s a sin to dance. I could never wrap my head around that. I can’t wrap my head around a lot of things many churches considers a sin, though. Which makes me wonder, does God wrestle with shame/guilt, too?

Unworthy of desire, we stuff it down, resist it, eventually name them demons and fight them. We shut off pieces of ourselves. And we wonder why we fill empty and lonely.

Byron Katie does an interesting exercise called “Turnaround Sentences” in her system The Work. I played with this on the sentence, “You are worthy of all you desire.”

I am worthy of all I desire.

I am unworthy of all I desire.

I desire I am all worthy.

I desire I am all unworthy.

Worthy desires I am all.

All I am desires worthy.

I think perhaps we go to the unworthiness because it is so opposite of our essence. It is the one way we get to experience the totality of the shadow. The trick is to re-member that essence and to not stay stuck in this limitation because really, all I am desires worthy. I am worthy of all I desire.